Act 3, episode 20: Diet Program(ming)

I've made a career out of dieting.


Sixth grade was when I decided I needed to DIET. 1981.

I was already 5'8" and had my B-boobs, and was a freak in my elementary school.

"Freak" sounds harsh. I say it with humor now, but then

it was a subtle not-enoughness,

like this tiny monster, nibbling at my fingertips.


The closest, most intimate time with my bio mom was sitting on the periphery

of the living room, watching soap operas...

size 2 hourglass figures with lipstick and really great, layered hair.


Commercials, cued by dramatic outro music,

marketed diet pills and shakes and

Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem.


I have literally been dieting for FORTY years.


Cue Corinne Crabtree and No BS.

I was 240 pounds. That may not have been my biggest weight,

but it was the weight I knew about.

Size 22W jeans. January 2019.


Now I am an M, as in Medium-sized pants and shirts.


The issue I am having:

I don't know if I'm done.


It's like retiring. From a career.

I feel that, I understand it,

the question of, "What now?"

Right?


When my brain decided to DIET, I was literally a child.

With a child brain, zero healthy coping skills.

Literally surrounded by The Diet Industry.


Often, in coaching school, we hear the phrase,

"So, what?"


Right, so I guess, at some point,

I can just stop trying to lose weight?


My question, to myself, and somehow this because a blog post,

is when? When will I decide to stop losing weight?

When is it enough?


My first year, I lost 40 pounds.

Second year, I gained 10 waiting for our marital separation

while living together because of covid,

then lost 5 after he left.

Last year, I lost 30.

Total loss, 65 pounds.


Literally, weight loss has become part of my everyday life.

I am 1.5 pounds from my goal weight, and

I pushed it back three more,

so I could keep going. Not retire.


Now I'm wondering how it might feel to be

ten less.

Or 15 less.


Today's Deep Breath: here's a practical juju nugget, a collective Next Best Decision.


Honestly, the difference

between retiring weight loss

and continuing to lose

is literally a few bites.


This last year, it became really clear to me:

weight loss is waiting for second hunger and

leaving some bites.

Water and sleep. That's all it is.


So if

(WHEN)

I settle at a range,

maintenance is just adding a few bites back.

That's it!


I've been maintaining for two weeks now,

kind of letting this decision simmer.


I realize this decision is not typical blog material.

I get it.


But it's not about the weight.

It's never been about the weight.

It's always been: am I enough?

My own enoughness.


Can I love myself - at every size?


My self-love level is pretty high now.

I'm mainly curious and open.


Zero drama. This would not make a great commercial.

When we are happy with ourselves,

we cannot be MARKETED TO.


Fewer pain points.


I don't need those programs,

powders and processed foods,

pills or drinks,

books or meetings. Phone apps.


What I have always needed was my own love and acceptance.

Boring, but true.


We become comfortable in our skin,

and then reach our goal.

Feel it first.


That's my diet program. You're welcome.


Until next time,

Tami Lowe