Ep. 34: Deserving

I'm taking a class.

If you know me, you may be thinking:

when is she NOT taking a class?


Of course, you're right.


I have a long thru-line, or lots of "dots" along my life

that I connect,

that give supporting evidence why I love school.


Just to be sure you understand the concept:


.__.__.______.________._______.__.__._______________._________.


You're with me, now.


Sometimes we have these dots from childhood

that we don't want to keep,

or even acknowledge.


I choose to keep my school-loving dots.

Scheduling, a new pen, probably even a new journal...

Of course a new journal.


Any-hoo, I'm taking a class.

It is self-development, of course.

But, also, about creating the life you would LOVE.


The first few weeks were a joyous breeze.

My brain, my heart, my soul were all in agreement.


Which brings me to today's title, Deserving.

I have a relationship with that word.


(Relationship with anything basically equates to my thoughts about it.

Relationship = thoughts)


I've been strongly aware of this word,

like you'd be strongly aware of the smell of old fish,

for about a year or two.


My feeling about the word Deserving isn't just discomfort.

It's like nails on a chalkboard, grating on my deepest core belief

about me.


I can be honest here, right?

My old habit thoughts about deserving are,

"every child but me."

Which translated into every teen, every woman, every daughter,

every wife, every mother.


It's not just the childhood or the trauma event (dot)

that hoses us.

It's what we think about ourselves for years, nay, decades afterwards.


But also, if you know me,

you know I have been trying to re-write those patterns,

change those stories, and

tell myself better sentences.


Pivoting.


In the moment when the old thoughts come, and you feel your body reacting

with an emotion...

chemicals have traveled down your spine into your belly or your legs

or your hands,

and you feel like running, freezing or pleasing someone

immediately...

pivot.


Breathe.

Look around. What's actually happening?


My brain has an alarm that goes off, bweep-bweep,

for the smallest things.


The truth almost always is: I'm okay.


Today's Deep Breath: a practical juju nugget, a collective Next Best Decision.


I love the truth.

We were all babies, we will all die.

We all are worthy and we all can be mean.

We all feel fear and loss and sadness.

We are all deserving.


We go from that truth to:

we all deserve... what?

To have our needs met? Food, shelter, touch, medicine?

(Stay with me; imagine we're babies.)

Do we deserve enough money?

Do we deserve employment? Education?


I looked at a house yesterday.

I want to buy a house.

Yes, I am aware of the 7% interest rate, up from 3% a few months ago.

Nevertheless, here we are.


I am struggling today with the idea that I am deserving of

having my laundry machines

in a closet in the house,

instead of in the garage.


I have made a list of things I'd like in my house,

and revised it twice after seeing

what I had not yet considered.


This is LIFE.

I like This. I don't really like That.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.


That little voice...dang it.

It's a little girl, actually -

"you should be happy to have laundry in your home.

You don't deserve to be this picky."


You know what?

I do deserve laundry inside my climate-controlled, bug-free zone.

Not because I am better than anyone else.

Because I want it.

And I'm putting down some cash.


This may seem like small (boiled?) peanuts.


After coaching so many women this year,

I know that this conversation

(because I imagine you are either nodding

or have stopped reading by now)

is not an anomaly.


But also, I am focusing on this word, because the next one is Forgiveness.

And I am not sure that sounds any more enjoyable than this one.


Pray for me!

Until next time,

Tami