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Ep. 39, My Gayness

Okay, here we go.


If you've read me before, you may have an inkling that I don't use words without emotion.


Well, unless I'm in a triggered state of mind.

Then, I'm 100% in preservation-mode and

cannot focus on any emotion except my unsafeness.


Alas, again on this beautiful,

January

Florida

winter

Sunday morning....

I am feeling vulnerable. I am full of emotion.



Here's the thing.

I find myself attracted to women.

Not just today, but for most of my life.


I'll rest here a bit while you digest that sentence.


There are a handful of you

who have known me since

my first kiss or first encounter with a boy.

You've heard me brag.

You listened when I talked about boys.


But also, at 12yo, one of you asked me why I kept turning to look

at this girl in the back of our Mormon chapel.


I knew it was unacceptable.


I could not say the truth.


(Self-preservation is strong in this one.)


So I said I was looking at her brother.

Case closed.


The rest of you might be thinking:

But you were married to a hetero man for 28 years.

How does that work??


Well, apparently it doesn't, because we're divorced.


I CELEBRATE the family Steve and I created.

I HONOR both of us for caring for each other like we did.

He is a great man.

I am a great woman.

We created a great family.

I am so PROUD of us.


AND

after living separately for 16 months,

I found myself flirting with a woman.

Like, really flirting,

like...I wanted to kiss her.


Today's Deep Breath: here's a practical juju nugget, a collective Next Best Decision.


All of this:

publishing my story and writing my truth,

the end of my marriage,

the blog and website and

becoming a certified life coach...


stepping out of what culture told me

was my duty and

my role as a woman,

that nothing else mattered as much as managing our home and family...


All of this started with me and a pen.

Dangerous, right?


TRUTH: Each human,

male, female

and every color in between and outside,

has an inner voice that has all the answers.


You can call it: the still, small voice,

intuition,

your soul, or

being in alignment with your true self.


"Who am I?

What do I want?

How can I serve?"

(From the chapter: Soul Questions, by Deepak Chopra,

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga, 2004.)


When I picked up my pen, I was working towards these first two questions.


Look--

all of us are going to build a life,

either by intention of what we want, or

by default of what we're told, or

in basic reaction to what others want.


This is my work.

I do this work for myself, every day.

I help others do this work for themselves.

In order to have more integrity in my work with others and with myself,

I need to integrate all of my parts

into all of the sections of my life.

I need to be truly honest.


So,

family, friends,

all my Mormon friends who don't really talk to me anymore

but follow me on socials,

all the girls who I grew up with

(no, I didn't have a crush on all of you!)


THIS IS ME.

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