Episode 10: Two Steps Back
Here's a word: Reliable.
Everything that I think is not reliable.
Not just me, but all people.
Example: what I said about men last week in my blog.
I feel the need to apologize. I can see how some of my words may have wrinkled some people.
Or shamed them.
No one said anything.
This is me, talking to me, about the words I put out into my last share.
Specifically, I shared my childlike, Limbic Girl thoughts about men.
It barely touched the surface, because she can rant,
but I shared a few statements that I can see are so incredibly unfair.
(So, so unfair.)
Men are not the only abusers. That's a fact.
I know this.
It's easier to blame, isn't it? It's like a first-stage reaction.
I want to blame someone for my pain so that I feel better, or justified.
But cognitively, I don't. I don't blame all men for the dysfunctions of my experience, or of my previous bio generations. It is entirely possible that my mother's father was molested by a woman, who started it all.
Looking a man in the face, well, most men, I would never verbalize my "blame" to their face.
At least I say that. But it's not true. Not reliable. The topic could be anything, and I may rant.
It doesn't happen often.
But it did in the blog, and then again once this week, face to face.
That's right. I shamed a man this week--and I feel such regret for it.
I was shaming, blaming men, and he is a man, and I somehow thought that was okay.
What if men, women, non-binaries, All People cannot be judged by any QUALIFIER?
What if no data points can be tagged to a judgement?
There are a few men, every so often, that I do get a vibe about. Like a radar,
"Hmm, watch out for that one."
The truth is, boys are molested by women.
Girls are molested by women.
I think it would be an amazing progressive move for me to take each human, one by one,
and not make a generalization about half of our species.
So I really do apologize.
With that said, I still believe we have to be careful, especially in love. Our radar of what is attractive is based on childhood experiences, the recordings in our mind.
For me and many: Ooo, this one isn't physically or sexually abusive, like what I am used to, so YES.
When did I first start believing that I had to say yes to any boy or man?
Well, probably four years old. But this is a universal thing, it's not just me.
Maybe men do this too though? If a girl asks him out, does he ever say no? Maybe if he has his eye on someone else. Holding out for the one.
Do women hold out?
This is a great poll for the ladies: have you ever held out?
Have you said no, in hopes of something better?
We interview for jobs...
Yes, but even then, I would do any job. Just, please, pay me.
I've done all the jobs, all the jobs where you could walk in,
and this is not a thing anymore,
but where you could walk in and talk them into giving you a job.
I was scrappy.
When I was younger, I couldn't take advice very well. I learned by doing.
I never learned by not doing.
Pretty regularly along the way, I took two steps back.
The cognitive brain can look at things from a distance, a bird's eye view,
and can question why it wants it. But we don't always do that.
Practicing as an adult, this is perhaps an easier exercise using past choices.
First, look back at the beginning of a life choice. See it objectively with your cognitive mind and make summaries.
What is it that I saw in this person, that got me so passionate?
Was I needing something at the time because of previous circumstances?
What was my mindset when I met him or her?
If I saw them today, would I choose them?
Did he remind me of my parents?
Forgive me, these are the questions of a break up.
I'm not at all sure why I write about this break up, without saying anything too specific.
I can't help but think about all the women in my shoes. Home Moms who didn't finish their life preparations, but gave themselves for the preps of others.
Somewhat by choice. Cultural expectations, societal norms of the time.
I think it started in the zeros--2000s, or maybe more the tens,
young Mormon women in Utah would still marry, of course, but they began choosing to finish their college degrees,
even after having their babies.
I know, you can probably point out exceptions, but there was a shift, at least in Utah where I was.
By the time of that shift, I'd already had two babies, and dropped out of college.
I was so wrapped up in being a good enough Mom, with no experience on the matter.
Any-hoo, I'm aware of the many women over 50 who are now looking for jobs and preparing for their retirements--or lack thereof. I want to, like, start a support club.
Many of them have aging parents, or have already lost them.
Their adult children are eking out their own paths.
I'm now eking.
My gut response is to share. "This means something to me, let me speak."
Few read it, but I don't care. It's a therapy for me.
I'm getting it out with just enough public eye to keep me reigned in.
Just trying to make sense of it.
I want to see what it is that I did or didn't do to get here.
Two steps forward.
Today's Deep Breath: a practical juju nugget, a collective Next Best Decision.
Thank you for reading me. Being an ear.
I will figure this out.
I have hope for a future that is delightful, with strength and confidence.
Joy in the little things.
But with wisdom, a bird's eye view of my choices.
Pollyanna Grows Up.
Here's a question I want to ask:
what is it that YOU want?
If you could just ask yourself this question, say, every six months...just check in with YOU.
We don't live in a vacuum. Maybe you have kids, a partner, extended family, co-workers
buzzing around you.
Do you mirror them? Are their choices your choices, over 50% of the time?
I learned of an aging couple, who wanted to sell their home and relocate to be near their son three states away. I have no judgement for their choice, but I did consider the situation for a few days.
What if their son gets a job across the country, a few years after they buy a new home and settle in?
I understand the desire. They would like to see their son more often.
But the truth is, you can live 2 miles away and never see your people.
Sometimes you see them more often if they have to take vacation days,
or a weekend flight,
all planned ahead.
Living nearby does not always equate to more time together. Lives are filled and we make choices, looking closely at those details.
I think stopping and asking your whys could potentially save some grief.
Not only the first why.
For example, this couple wants to see their son. That's their why.
Why do they want to see their son? And why, why, why after that.
They may have all kinds of possibilities.
They miss him. That seems obvious. He's their reason.
It's quiet in the house now that he is gone.
It's unbearable to have it so quiet after raising a family all those years.
But also, husband is retired now and living side-by-side all day, every day, and the
Aging Couple Dance
offers very little distraction or excitement.
Does being closer to their son tie them to a familiar past that they want to relive?
Focusing on the past can deny the future.
When we find ourselves wanting to regain something from the past,
we are not thinking about all the POSSIBILITIES of the future.
What if the solution is not to sell their home to buy one near their son three states away?
What if they need to shake up the dance? Date each other?
Try a new hobby together--or separately?
Stop eating the same five meals?
If the five whys end with a need for distraction or excitement, that's the work.
Create more distraction and excitement, with or without the move.
If the whys end with, I want to be more connected with my child.
There's an issue.
The actions of others do not create a feeling of connection. Preach.
If I want to feel connected to someone, I can do that no matter where they are,
or whether or not they are even alive.
I feel connected to my Grandma Ruth, because I remember the things she did and said, and how she did and said them, and she died 20 years ago.
Hallmark channel has so many stories of adult children who go away and live the
They somehow get tricked by fate to go "home" and see their parents, which they dread,
and--oh, the dream:
they fall in love with someone nearby and decide to relocate and live near the parents forever.
I think all I am saying is, we need to be careful, all of us. Let's think about what we really want out of life. And then choose to get there beside a partner who wants the same things.
Two WHOLE lives living with and for each other.
Because having a half a life and rebuilding it is a challenge.
I'm always up for a challenge.