Limbic Girl, episode 2: She Began
Good morning! Happy Brunch Sunday from Florida! Let's fill our mimosas or mugs and clink a cheers to a bit of connection between work, notices and ads in your inbox. Let's chat about rising and creating a Great Life.
And let's start with this week.
(Hmm. And she began.)
I began journaling just now, around this word: Possibility.
Let me back up.
I have a word.
I started January with a word: Confidence.
Because I wasn't sure I could do all that I needed to do.
All that needed to be done.
The unofficial pre-divorce list.
In choosing the word, Confidence, I was being intentional.
We hear that word Everywhere.
Or maybe it's just what I am seeing.
Like when you are pregnant and you see baby strollers Everywhere.
I am experiencing ________.
Therefore, I see ________ everywhere.
I see the word Intentional.
(But also: Algorithms and Followers and living an Online Life.)
Yes, I chose Confident.
I wrote Confident, everyday at the top of the page, and let all the words fall from it.
All my thoughts and plans were tinted by Confidence.
Whether it helped or not, I did accomplish All The Things.
And I did them WELL.
I choose to think that it helped.
But this weekend, I'm Seeing a new word.
All The Things are passed.
Our last house is sold.
My address is changed.
And from the first morning, I was asking, Now What?
I have learned that when my brain asks a question, it really requires an answer.
If I don't answer, either in thoughts or action,
life gets uncomfortable.
Like taking a perfectly adequate painting and a very large brush,
and swiping the finished canvas with a light, watery grey.
(Or gray, as they say in America. I've been typing grey for over a year.
Both grey and gray are correct, but grey is British. I rather prefer the e.
Why did we change it?)
(Also, with painting, the use of a true black paint has such a big influence on the entire piece.
Every color changes.
I am in the camp of using a bunch of colors to create shadow.
Here's a challenge: find the color black in nature.
Orcas. Coal. Basalt.
Actually, black and white are not colors, they are shades.
I think I need to paint today.
I think it's possible to Focus on this word for a few more paragraphs.
I wrote Possibility, yesterday, at the top of the page.
And again today.
I was waiting for an idea to come for this little writing party, and honestly this word is the only passionate piece of my current weekend.
I have massive feelings around this word.
And also: Began.
She Began to see Possibility.
This past week was Spring Break for half of our family. Or what used to be half.
I don't know what to call us.
My husband and our son enjoy the same university life, and they had a Spring Break.
At my husband's beach flat, where my daughter lives.
Last year, I planned the perfect Halloween for myself.
My son and daughter went to my husband's place for a fun party on the beach with friends and neighbors.
I knew that night was coming and I made a plan for what I wanted.
How I was going to spend that night alone, with the dogs.
I had an amazing Halloween night by myself. Truly.
I planned my own Thanksgiving and Christmas and it was all great. No drama.
I had no plan for After all the doings were done. The last plan I made was to get all my belongings into my apartment. The lens was magnified. I saw every detail.
Then each Now What? day was framed in anticipation of the house sale being final.
Which happened on Monday.
I needed to answer that question, but I didn't.
Instead, I shopped for all the foods that I prefer to buffer with: sugar.
Much like a younger me would've gone to a bar or bought a bottle of Scotch--
20 years of Orthodox Mormonism will cure alcoholism, for sure.
A quart of ice cream, drumstick cones, cake, peanut M&Ms.
Like a rehab cafeteria.
I amend my previous--I did make a plan, in the moment.
I planned to eat it all.
Not all at once. Not as soon as I got home.
So, not a true binge in that way.
An evening choice.
I planned to turn off my cognitive brain.
TV on. Check.
For five days.
Then vertigo, dizziness, headache.
And a big pimple on my nose.
My poor liver.
Here's the rub: it didn't work.
Maybe I'm too aware now?
Is it possible, when we increase our awareness of our thinking, we get less dopamine and endogenous opioid brain response from the things that used to give us pleasure?
Because that used to be a good high.
Today's Deep Breath: here's a practical juju nugget, a collective Next Best Decision.
It's possible for me to plan a little ahead,
to envision a vacation week doing things that I LOVE TO DO.
And if that is possible...
Picture your dream day.
Mine includes watching the sunset over water, with no obstructing trees or buildings.
I think this is important.
I like the freedom to see as far as my mind will allow.
There are limits everywhere.
Netflix, the news, podcasts.
"Choose from what we give you."
"Think within the possibility that we provide."
"Here is your intellectual and spiritual buffet. You are limited to only these things.
Choose what to think from what we offer you."
Someone is limiting.
And the majority of humanity is not comfortable thinking past the fence.
Understand, this is my philosophy.
I set this table for you, with my own offerings.
I hope I never create something that limits another.
I'd like a reader to see beyond the words that I offer, to more possibility for themselves.
I'd like a painting to capture a moment from which one can see More.
I don't want to limit you.
And I don't want to limit myself.
Does that mean that sometimes I will make a choice that actually hurts me or you?
I also shamed someone I love this week.
I couldn't see it for days.
Even when she told me, I couldn't see it.
I had all the rationale, and reasonings for my words to her.
I could explain myself.
But when it did finally occur to me, I could feel the shame that I laid on her shoulders.
Ugh. I feel it still.
I can decide today that I will never buy ice cream ever again.
I can decide that I will never, ever shame another human ever again.
Or maybe it is about desire.
I can practice wanting something better.
I want to not want ice cream.
I do want something better.
I want to see the sunset each day, if I can. So before I have that great view, I'll go out and see the sunset from wherever I am, obstructions and all.
I want to have loving thoughts--unbidden, without conscious effort.
So I'll start today, practicing a more loving way with everyone.
I have love for you and for me.