Act 3, episode 18: The Dregs

Good morning. I hope you slept well -

isn't sleep just EVERYTHING? Total reset for the brain. And liver.

Thank you, brain.

Thank you, liver.


OK, this week was a bit full. Lol.

I re-read that sentence and it had the same effect.

Laughing out loud.


Growth is usually a challenge, right?

A REACH.


That is all I have ever wanted to do. Reach.

From where I was yesterday, I want to be better today.


And maybe that means as a child, deciding not to become an abuser,

or not becoming a stage four hoarder.


The last three years, it meant being kind to me.

And to practice thinking about what I want.

Writing it down.

Then saying it out loud.


It sounds so easy.

Looking back on it, I cannot, even now, say it was easy.


It was difficult, in those moments...

It felt like I was breaking open into a thousand pieces

and waiting to see what another's reaction would be to my mess.


That's what I thought I was. A mess. I felt like a mess.

And nobody loves a mess.

(Except hoarders. Actually, they really don't love it either.

They just think they need it. Which is okay.)


Any-hoo, here we are, practicing being Vulnerable

with ourselves and other people in our circles.


Until this week, I truly thought

vulnerability was Weakness, and messy and pathetic and death.

LOL.

Basically.

Like I will DIE if I have to bare my ugly soul.

If I don't act and say and feel perfect all of the dang time,

I am not worthy.


Cognitively, my frontal brain knew that was not true.

But Limbic Girl was like, uh-uh, you are the dregs.


(Dregs: the most worthless part or parts of something.

i.e., the dregs of society.)


Self-loathing.

Which is not the same as: I did ______ wrong.

Self-loathing is: I AM WRONG.

Me, at my core.

There is something absolutely wrong or bad about me.


If you know, you know.

You understand me.


Here's the crazy: I don't do that anymore.

Well, hardly ever.

Truly!

Hardly ever.


I have practiced the thought: THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME.

This _______ doesn't mean anything about me.

I was born a perfect (adorable) little baby human,

living, breathing, divine even.

I am still a perfect (adorable) human,

living, breathing, divine even!


AMAZING THOUGHTS!

Those thoughts feel amazing. Like I could fly.


There's been so many thought switches in the last 3 years,

but just this one has changed my freaking life.


You've seen the list of my changes:

decisions made,

actions taken,

choices to love and be compassionate and

make and keep my own boundaries -

You've seen it all along in this blog.


I didn't hide (too much.)

Yes, there were a handful of weeks

where I just could not sit up at the computer

and type out words

because I didn't know my own mind on those mornings.


But most of the time, I was honest.

I was fun sometimes, crying sometimes.

And that is LIFE.


Today's Deep Breath: a practical juju nugget, a collective Next Best Decision.


What would move the needle for you?

What do you want, REALLY?


And what do you have to think to get there?


These questions thrill me!

Because I know, on the other side of these little questions

is a life altered. True change.

Joy and enjoyment.

Love and freedom.


Reach Higher.


Enjoy Life and Love.


If that is not happening for you at least 50% of the time,

let's coach. So fun.


I am a thought watcher.

A witness to change.

I am in exactly the right place, and it feels

AMAZING.


Until next time,

Tami Lowe