Ep. 31: The One Thing

You might've seen my post

on the socials

about my weight loss.

This is not about that.


Summarizing 3 years of one thing

into 3 categories

was helpful to me. I hope it helps someone else.


This email is about The One Thing.

If I could give you one thing...

more important than any other thing:


(Ohmygosh, she's going to talk about feelings.)


Darn right.


I'm a female raised in the 70s/80s. Feelings were not okay.

I'm a Cancer. Feelings are intense.

Do you see the contrast?

(If you're a Cancer, you also FEEL the contrast. LOL)


Back to my premise:

These last few years have been

extremely vulnerable,

filled with actions I never expected I'd need to do,

and A LOT OF FEELINGS.


At the same time, I was learning that

my thoughts create my feelings.

(What?)

You heard me.


Divorce does not create my feelings.

Death does not create my feelings.

Loss, a feeling, comes from a thought.


No one makes me feel _________.


It has been such a shift!

It changed everything.


It's normal to feel grief and loss and disappointment and

joy and fear and love.

If you're a Cancer, all at the same time.


I'm mostly kidding about the Cancer thing.


If feelings are normal, why are we not taught

they are okay?

Why are we not taught to process them, as children?


Instead of "let me make it better" or

"I don't want you to feel bad,"

what if a Mom said,


"This is jealousy. It's okay."

"This is sadness. It's okay."

"This is trust, love, affection, safety, or

anger, frustration, impatience, disappointment.

It's all okay."


We were not taught this. That's okay, too.

What do we do, now?

What can we do?


Today's Deep Breath: here's a practical juju nugget, a collective Next Best Decision.


Being okay with my own feelings is My One Thing

because it has literally changed every piece of my life.


I recently had a thought that created so many feelings.

(Loss, grief, rejection, not-enoughness)


I wanted to grab a milkshake.

I wanted to drink alcohol or

get a six pack of apple fritters.


I went to a drive-thru and as I sat eating, I wanted to cry because I knew I was trying to cover my feelings with ANYTHING.

Which made the feelings more intense.


It makes no sense to do this.


We CONSUME to distract ourselves,

which delays dealing with an issue, and makes it more intense,

and then brings shame for the USING.


Sometimes it's a big feeling about a big issue, like divorce.

But sometimes it's so little,

like a scene from a movie, or seeing a piece of furniture.


Our brain defaults to this pattern of coping -

which may have been helpful as a child. Truly helpful.


But as adults, we can change our defaults.


That's my one thing.

So much so, that I became a certified life coach.

I work regularly to notice my own defaults.

I help clients to see theirs and change them if they want to.


Because we are emotional adults now.

I'm so grateful I got the memo.


Until next time,

Tami